L'amour non chanté
by Miss Padfoot II
Summary: Things have been different since Sirius died, especially Remus. It's kind of understandable, I mean, he's lost his best friend...or was it something more? (Slash fic, but not all goopy!) R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys! It's me, Miss Padfoot! If your reading this, I guess my summary wasn't to horribly bad, or you read my cousin, Meee's fic! This is the second fic I've done, so I hope its not to horribly bad! -_-' Any ways, I'm gonna say this at the beginning of each chapter, all the dates are estimated, because JK doesn't really give us specific dates(ex. James and Lily's marriage, how old Remus and Sirius really are, etc.) So, I hope you guys enjoy my fic, and thanks for reading!  
  
Disclaimer: Yeah...If I wrote Harry Potter, Sirius would still be alive...*tear*  
  
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Chapter One  
  
It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the arch...  
"There's nothing you can do...nothing...he's gone!" _______________________________________________________________________  
  
Remus Lupin sighed and rolled over onto his side. A pale ray of sunlight leaked in through the dark curtains, making the room seem even more gloomy than it already was. Sirius had always kept his room clean, and it stayed that way, even though he was gone. The difference between this room and the rest of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place was shocking. Posters of Quidditch Teams colored the gray walls, and a single picture sat on the beside table. The young man in the picture, all smile with his dark hair falling gracefully over his face, had his arm around another man's shoulder, ruffling his dark brown hair. It was of Sirius and Remus, taken when they were fresh out of Hogwarts, ready to take the world...  
-He must have put a protection spell over his room, Remus thought sleepily. Mrs. Black had been furious when Sirius ran away, and the scorch marks on the wall outside proved it. But none of Sirius' stuff had been moved or broken, so the spell must have worked.  
Closing his eyes, Remus tried to fall back asleep. He needed to be in top shape for his next assignment for the Order.  
CRASH! "FILTHY MUDBLOODS AND HALF-BREEDS! RUNNING AROUND TAINTING EVERYTHING THEY TOUCH! WORSE THAN MY SON, THE BANE OF MY WOMB!..."  
Throwing on a threadbare robe, Remus jumped out of bed and practically flew down the stairs. There he found Tonks on the floor picking up the contents of the trolls foot umbrella stand while Arthur Weasley and his three sons, Fred, george and Ron struggled to close the tattered curtains that normally covered Mrs. Black's portrait.  
She was a horrible sight, Mrs. Black. Her skin was a sickly yellow and her eyes seemed to be bulging out of her head. -And this is only her portrait, Remus thought, helping the Weasleys wrench the curtains close.  
Tonks, who was a Metamorphmagus(a person who could change thier appearance at will), was trying her best not to blush. "Sorry..." she said bashfully.  
Remus smiled, though it didn't reach his eyes. "Lets get rid of the cursed thing shall we?"  
With mock pomp and circumstance, Tonks picked up the umbrella stand and threw it ceremoniously out the door, hitting Albus Dumbledore smack dab in the face. Mortified, Tonks rushed out to help the old man.  
"OH! I am so sorry! Bloody useless umbrella stand... Are you all right? If only I had looked where I was throwing it!"  
"Tonks, my dear, I'm fine! Actually," Dumbledore chuckled, "that clears up the sinuses very well. Thank you!"  
Molly Weasley came out of the kitchen. "Breakfast is served, lads. Come on you don't want it to get cold now, do you?" The smell of hot food quickly reminded everyone how hungry they were, and they all hurried to the dining room. Stacks of pancakes, towering like sky scapers, heaps of bacon, buttered toast, and jugs of pumpkin juice covered the once-fancy-now-ugly table, which Molly had tried to hide with a white tablecloth.  
Fred, George and Ron immediately started piling thier plates with food, shoveling it in their mouths almost as fast as they put it on their plates. Molly was bustling around, making sure there was enough food to go around. remus sat in between Dumbledore, who had thrown his long white beard over his shoulder, and Tonks, now sporting a new mouth. Everyone ate eagerly, though Remus only ate what was neccessary to fill him. He couldn't afford a full belly on this mission.  
When most of the food was tucked into everyone's bellies, and the only ones who were still eating were the growing Weasley boys, Dumbledore cleared his throat and began, "Arthur, I need you to go to work as usual, in case Malfoy comes to Fudge. Tonks, you can have the day off. Molly, if you and your boys will start on the house again. Remus, you know what to do. Good luck to you all!" _____________________________________________________________________  
  
"Knock knock," Tonks said, rapping lightly on the door frame. Remus, who had been stuffing clothes into a small ugly bag made out of puke green carpet with gold trim, looked up and smiled. Tonks came in and handed him a small package wrapped in plain brown paper. "I thought you would like it...I found it when I was cleaning out Buckbeak's bed."  
  
Remus opened the package. It was a simple black book, no engravings or anything on the cover. Opening it to the front page, he smiled sadly. An intricate (sp) drawing of a phoenix, taking flight in a cloud of fire covered the entire parchment. The colors were so realistic that it was almost like looking at a photograph. The smoke, rising from the burning bird, spelled out the letters S.B.  
  
"It's his journal. I knew he kept one, but never knew where it was. He would want you to have it," Tonks said quietly. She was never quite sure how Remus would react whenever she brought up Sirius, so she was quite surprised when he pulled her into a hug.  
  
"Thank you, Tonks. This means a lot to me..."  
  
"I figured it would give you something to do on you 'mission'. Am I at the liberty to ask what your mission is?"  
  
"You are at the liberty to ask, but I'm afraid I'm not at the liberty to tell you. Apparently Dumbledore is doing it for the safety of the Order or something like that."  
  
"You aren't done packing yet?" Molly scolded, but the scold was softened by the smile on her face. "I sent you up here an hour ago, and you've been lollygagging around. Really Remus, I expected better from you!"  
  
"It's only been forty-five minutes, my dear Molly! I have plenty of time to lollygag, thank you!" Remus winked at her. She laughed and hugged him in a motherly sort of way.  
  
"You be safe now, understand? That's the last thing we need, you coming back hurt..." She looked at him concernedly.  
  
"Don't worry yourself, Molly," Remus said seriously. "I'm not about to do any thing stupid, the Order couldn't afford another loss." He looked at his watch. "Now, I must be going. Take care, okay?"  
  
Molly and Tonks nodded, and watched as Remus walked down the stairs and out the door. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well, thats the end of Chapter one! Not very exciting eh?Wow...and it's really short... -_-' Don't worry, it'll get better, I promise! ^_~  
~Padfoot 


	2. Chapter 2

It's me again! Hopefully you liked Chapter One! (Well I guess you did if you're reading chapter two...)Basically, like I said in Chapter One, all the dates are estimated (me and my fellow Marauders had a heated discussion about thier ages... I lost... T.T) ANYWHO, that's about it! Thanks for reading! Oh yes, since I can't figure out how to do italics, all journal entries will be shown in brackets {}, kay? ^-^ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Chapter Two ~Sirius' Journal~  
~September 23, 1989(A/N: Start of 7th Yr.)  
{ It's great to be back at school again. my adoring fans have gone far to long without seeing thier idol. That's sounds like something Prongs would say...It was nice being able to visit Prongs' place over the summer! Mr. and Mrs. Potter always make me feel at home. They are more parents to me than my birth parents are...  
Turns out I have double potions with the Slytherins first thing Monday morning. great, huh? At least Moony and Prongs will be with me.  
Speaking of Moony, I feel so wierd around him. I don't know what it is. Its odd, because I didn't feel like this around him before. It's like I get so self-concious around him. 'Course, we'e only been back a day, so maybe I'm just imagining things.  
Oh, I played the funniest prank on Wormtail today! Over the summer, I made these sweets that covers you with neon colored fur, but the thing is you don't notice it unless someone shows you, or you look in a mirror! So I gave one to Wormtail, and he walked around the common room for hours, and he probably would've stayed that way except some fourth year took pity on him. The look on his face was priceless...}  
  
~September 24, 1989  
{ The oddest thing happened today...)  
  
"Ah, It's great to be back, eh Moony?" James half-yawned, stretching his arms above his head.  
Remus smiled. "It sure is. Sorry I couldn't come to your house this summer, Mom and Dad took me to France. Apparently there are many famous French people who were werewolves."  
"Donde esta el banjo? That's all I know in French!"  
"That's Spanish, stupid. 'Oú est les toilettes?' is French for 'Donde esta el banjo!' "  
"French, Spanish, Russian...it's all the same to me!"  
"You're an idiot, Padfoot," Remus smiled, shaking his head.  
The four (Wormtail was trailing behind) entered the Potions room. Thier teacher, the American Mrs. Turner, sat behind her desk, smiling faintly at the students as they walked into her class.  
"Welcome to the N.E.W.T. class. I expect you all had a good summer, and are ready to learn! The Potion you are going to be working on this week is called the Veritaserum, also known as the Truth Potion. The instructions are on the board, and the ingredients are where they always are. If you need any help, ask me. you may begin."  
Sirius, who was not known for his long attention span was soon flicking beetle eyes at Severus, who sat two tables in front of them.  
"Come now, Padfoot, stop it! You need to pass this class," Remus scolded slightly.  
"No talking!" Mrs. Turner said, locking eyes with each student. "This is a very difficult potion, and it is worth 100 points of your grade!"  
Remus blushed deeply, and kicked Sirius under the table. Sisus grinned evilly and kept flicking beetle eyes at Severus, who was muttering a stream of curses and obscenities under his breath. Rolling his eyes, Remus went back to making his potion, carefully measuring out the ingredients.  
He was surprised that James hadn't gotten in on the sport, but then he remembered Lily was in the class too, and she was all James really cared about now. -No...thats not exactly true, he thought. James was still a Marauder and of his best friends. It wasn't as if Lily had stolen James away...  
He shook his head, waving the thoughts away. He couldn't screw up this potion, not when it was worth a hundred points of his grade.  
BOOM! Remus and Sirius were thrown back when both thier cauldrons exploded. Apparently beetle eyes were not helpful in the Veritaserum, in fact they turned it into a very effective bomb. Mrs. Turner ran over, her brown eyes angry underneath her dark-rimmed glasses.  
"Black! Lupin! Ten points each from Gryffindor! Both of you will stay after and clean up this mess! And I mean all of it!" The rest of the class was silent, though Sirius and Remus could see Severus was trying his hardest not to laugh out loud at them. Mrs. Turner turned to the class. "I am coming around to collect what you have done so far. As soon as I have your potion, you may leave!"  
Sirius grinned at Remus. "I just love Potions class, don't you?"  
Remus scowled. "I needed to use lunch time to go over my Arithmancy homework, Padfoot. Now I won't be able to, thanks to you." He got out his wand angrily and snapped, "Scourgify!" Nothing happened. The potion had hardend into a molasses-like substance that resitied magic. Muttering under his breath, Remus put his wand back into his pockets and rolled up his sleeves. Sirius had already started.  
"I have to go see Professor McGonagall, boys. I'll be back soon!" Mrs. Turner said as she walked out the door. As soon as she was put of sight, Sirius picked up a handful of the gunk and grinned playfully.  
"Don't you dare-" Remus threatened, but it was to late. With a laugh, Sirius threw the goopy potion and with a splat it landed upside Remus' head, covering his light brown hair.  
"What are you going to do, Moony? Give me a detention?" SPLAT! Remus hit Sirus with a fistful of goop. Soon the two of them were having a "potion-fight", and the entire classroom was plastered with the potion-gone- awry.  
Thirty minutes later, Mrs. Turner walked in,a large buzzing bag in hand. Remus and Srius were sitting in the middle of the room, which sparkled in its cleanliness. She smiled. "Great job boys! The room is wonderful. You may go to lunch now. Oh, and Mr. Lupin, you have something on your face." _______________________________________________________________________  
  
Sirius and Remus headed to the boys washroom. All of Remus' anger and frustration towards Sirius had vanished during the potion-fight.  
"Moony," said Sirius, as Remus scrubbed his face in the sink.  
"Yeah, Padfoot?"  
"Sorry I made you had to miss studying on account of me."  
Remus dried his face with a large woolly towel. "Do you really mean it?"  
'' 'Course I do! I don't want to mess up your N.E.W.T.s. especially after you worked so hard on your owls."  
"Well! Apology accepted. But will you try to pay just a little more attention in class?"  
Sirius smiled. "Yes. Well, maybe." He paused, looking thoughtful. "Actually, no. I probably won't pay more attention or do any better in any classes, except maybe Defense Against the Dark Arts..." Rolling his eyes, Remus hung the towel on a towel rack. "Would you rather me lie to you?" Sirius asked, leaning on the sink.  
"No. I just worry about what you're going to do after we are done with school." Remus answered, staring Sirius in the eyes.  
"Awww! I'm touched! But don't worry Moony," Sirius replied, leaning in towards Remus. "I'm not going to end up in prison or anything!"  
Remus smiled. "I know...I just can't help it..." He noticed that Sirius' eyes were so dark you couldn't see the pupil, and for some reason, a strange sensation was running up and down his spine. Sirius leaned in closer, thier faces were only a few inches away, Remus leaned his face up, unaware what he was doing. Sirius put his arm around Remus, they were only seconds away from contact when...  
The end of lunch bell rang. Remus nearly jumped out of his skin. Without sying a word to Sirius, he hurried off to his Arithmancy class, leaving Sirius alone in the bathroom, blushing a deep crimson. He picked up his bag and went off to find James, and hopefully forget about this incident...  
  
{Was I about to kiss Moony? I can't explain it, because I don't ever remember even thining about liking him, or any guy for that matter...but now that I think about it...Damn! I'm so confused!}  
  
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Well, that's Ch. 2 for ya! Don't ya just love slaches? I sure do! I hope I haven't offended anyone with this being a slash (even if I did, couldn't ya'll imagine it...*drools uncontrolably* =)... ) Any who, chapter three should be out soon *hopefully* Oh yes, PLEASE review,(except if your just gonna bash me, cuz that ain't right!). They really help my ego, and plus, I like knowing people are reading! ^-^ ummm...that's about it! *goes off into fantasy world of Remus and Sirius* *-* 


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys! I'm BAAACK! lol Just wanna thank Dragon Faere. *kneels* THANK YOU!!! uhhh...yeah...thats about it...... *nervous laugh cuz she just made a fool out of herself* And you're right...Alan Rickan should be on my list...*wonders why he's not*  
  
Dicslaimer: uh huh...riiiiiiiiight... _______________________________________________________  
Chapter Four  
Twilight fell over a large mansion, whose windows glowed an eerie yellow against its dark exterior, making it look like one of those haunted houses you see around Halloween. Yet this wasn't Halloween, and though the house was certainly filled with evil demons, there was no proof that it was actually haunted.  
  
Remus sat crouched in the dark in a large oak tree, whose soft interior was dead and decayed. He didn't dare use even the smallest light out of fear that the Malfoys would become suspicious before he could gather some information. He was here to see if he could get some solid proof that the Malfoys were still in contact with several Death Eaters for the Daily Prophet, and also to see if they were hiding any in thier enormous house.  
  
-Especially her..., Remus thought grimly. That's why he had taken this assignment in the first place, partly because he was the most expendable resource the Order had (he didn't have any true blood family, his parents had died years ago), and partly, well mostly, for revenge. He was nomally appalled at the thought of having to kill someone, but circumstances had changed him, he wasn't entirely the man he had been before. His heart had been hardend, and he no longer really cared if he killed someone, for someone had killed a part of him.  
  
Placing his Omniculars against his face, he focused on the dark shape approaching the Malfoy's door. It was Macnair, a "reformed" Death Eater. Sighing, Remus knew that he would need more evidence than this. There was nothing strange about two wizards meeting, especially such prestigous ones as Malfoy and Macnair. If he wanted to get more substantial evidence, he would have to get closer, get inside the Malfoy's mansion.  
  
Taking out his wand, he quickly stowed his omniculars inside a small hollow next to a leather-bound journal. Tapping himself on the head, he muttered, "Omnipotencia!" A strange sensation ran throughout Remus' whole body. This was an extremely complex spell, it had taken Remus, Dumbledore and McGonangall the better part of a month to create it. It was a mix between the Dissolutionment Charm, a silencing charm and a stealth charm. It gave it's "wearer" unsurpassed protection, allowing them to slip pass all forms of security, Muggle or magical, masking any sound the wearer could possibly make and it opened all locks without an incantation. There was only one drawback. It had never been tested. Remus had no idea how long it lasted, or if it would even work at all. That's why he hadn't told Molly or Tonks where he was going or what he was doing. that way if he got caught, people would say he was acting on his own agenda, and the Order would be protected.  
  
-Well, here goes nothing! He thought as he sprinted across the well manicured lawn, hurring after Macnair, who had entered the Malfoy house. _____________________________________________________________________  
  
It was almost disgusting, the extravagance and excess that filled the Malfoy's house. Gold filigree was embedded in the Spanish marble floor. A large Persian rug, obviously handmade, covered the floor, and the Malfoy's muddy boots were lined against it as though it was an ordinary mat. The light inside was brilliant, with an enormous crystal chandelier illuminating the whole front hall. And this was only the front hall.  
  
Macnair walked into the dining room, where Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco were helping themselves to a large red lobster each. Draco was idly throwing bits and pieces of the succulent shellfish onto the black marbled floor, which two large blood hounds slurped up with apparent delight.  
  
"It's nice to see you, Macnair. Please, join us," Lucius said, ringing a little silver bell. A small house elf ran out of the kitchen, supporting the large silver tray with a full lobster dinner on her head.  
  
Macnair sat down. "Thank you, Lucius. You're looking exsquisite today, Narcissa, if I may say so. And Draco, I hope you are having fun being stuck in this old house with your parents instead of out with you're friends."  
  
Narcissa and Draco smiled politely. The group ate in silence until everyone was finished, and then the house elf brought out large bowls filled to the rim with chocolate ice cream and cookies. Remus watched amazed. It had been forever since he had even smelled lobster, let alone threw pieces to the dogs. It was a good thing the spell masked sounds or else his grumbling stomach would have given him away.  
  
When the meal was complete, Narcissa took Draco into the library, leaving Lucius and Macnair to themselves. They walked into the drawing room , and Lucius motioned to a straight backed chair made out of ebony with ivory claws at the end of its legs, obviously wanting Macnair to sit. Then they started discussing what each of them had done over the past couple of weeks (which, thanks to Harry, weren't all that exciting.)  
  
Remus was bored to tears. All the two wizards talked about was how they had spent time at thier mansions, which they described in great deatail, obviously trying to make the other jealous (Macnair was losing enormously!). He was busy counting the number of times and ways the word MALFOY had been written when suddenly Macnair gave a start.  
  
"Lucius...did you see that?" he asked, his hematite eyes staring exactly at the spot where Remus was. Remus, being the smart boy he was, quickly moved to a different spot, just in case.  
  
"See what?" Lucius asked, taking a sip of brandy.  
  
Macnair got up, and walked toward the spot where Remus had been standing. "I thought I saw a man..."  
  
"A man!?" Lucius exclaimed.  
  
"Yes...LOOK! There he is again!" Macnair cried, pointing behind a large china vase. Remus' insides froze, throwing on a spare invisibility cloak, he decided the situation was to dangerous, and Malfoy and Macnair weren't going to be discussing any "plans" soon, so he quietly left the two wizards searching the drawing room.  
  
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Whew, weren't ya scared there? C'mon, ya know ya were! *winkwink* lol Anyway, this was a pretty lame chapter, but just wait...*grins cuz she knows whats gonna happen and you don't* Oh, and I hope you don't mind my use of parenthesis (in case you haven't noticed, I like those alot) (I put that in parenthesis to make a point) (that too...) ^-^ I got that idea from S.G Morgensten. You should go read his book. Its called the Princess Bride (get the abridged version by William something or other...) Oh, and a question, were the Marauders and Malfoy in the same year? Cuz if they were, then I did my math wrong... -_-"  
Well, g2g. Keep reading and reviewing! 


	4. Chapter 4

Hey guys! I know, I just keep poppin out chapters, but I can't help it! Okay, now a couple of shout outs!  
  
-Sally: Thanks for reading! I will send it to you, or have Alexa or someone do it!  
  
-Caitlin: Yes, I am writing slash! Great huh? Anyway, I'm not sure when Spring break is, but hey, I'll miss school for ya! lol Meggy says hi too, and you need to come over to my house soon! How about on my birthday? =)lol Anyway, you need to write more, cuz I need to know what happens!  
  
Oh yeah, tell me if this is easier on the eyes(the formatting and junk!) And also, i'm not sure if Filch was around during Marauder time, but in my world he was!  
  
disclaimer: If I wrote Harry Potter, Sirius and Remus would be in love, but with me, so I could have them both...*sighs and goes into dream world* ahhhhh.....  
  
**  
Chapter 4  
  
~Sirius' Journal October 1~  
  
{James is oblivous to anything other than Lily. She's a sweet girl and all, but I do miss my best friend, you know. And it doesn't help that Moony isn't exactly speaking to me. Luckily theres a full moon tonight, so I at least have something to do...}  
  
Sirius, James and Peter were all hiding underneath James' invisibility cloak, waiting for Filch to stop guarding the doorway.  
  
"Did you talk to Peeves?" Peter squeaked, grinning excitedly at Sirius.  
  
"Use your brain, Wormtail! 'Course I did, but since when does Peeves listen to students?" Sirius snapped under his breath. His dark eyes were focused on Filch, willing him to move.  
  
"Dammit. If he doesn't leave soon, then we won't be able to get to Moony in time." James said, looking at his watch. "And you know how were- wolves just love to be kept waiting."  
  
Sirius snorted. Since when did Filch keep watch over the door? Normally he patrolled the hall that led to the kitchen, which is why he and James weren't as erm...fluffy...as they used to be. Suddenly, much to Sirius' relief, a large bang from the floor above them sugnaled Filch to hurry off in hopes of catching Peeves, giving the Marauders time to get to the forest.  
  
**  
  
Outside, the three quickly transformed int thier animal shapes. Sirius couldn't help chasing his tail, and then James after he was so rudely interrupted by a sharp poke in the backside. Peter ran between the swinging branches of the Whomping Willow, and pushed the knot that froze the branches.  
  
Soon the boys reached the door to the Shrieking Shack, but it was eerily silent. James' stag-head looked at Sirius, who cocked his head to the side. They transformed back, and James asked,  
  
"Why is it so quiet? D'you think he left without us?"  
  
Sirius shook his head. "No. Remus wouldn't leave us like that. He'd be to worried about biting someone...right?"  
  
The door opened, and Peter stuck his head out. "He's not in here."  
  
The three stood in worried silence. Finally Sirius spoke up.  
  
"Prongs, you and Wormtail go on back to the castle. I'm going to stay here and look for Moony. I don't like this one bit..."  
  
"Neither do I, Padfoot, and I'm staying." James said, drawing himself to his full height (which was pretty tall, about 5'9 I'd say!), and his brown eyes flashing. Peter stood off to the side, letting the two boys duke it out themselves.  
  
"Prongs, you don't scare me, so don't try. I can handle looking for Moony myself, I truly don't need help, and theres' no point in both of us being caught going into the Forbidden Forest. You don't need to get into anymore trouble, your getting thrown off the Quidditch team would kill the Gryffindors. So go, and let me do this." Sirius stood up straight, and he was every bit as tall as James, who slouched and sighed sullenly.  
  
"Fine, but I'm leaving you the Invisibility cloak, alright?"  
  
Sirius smiled at his best friend. "Peachy. Now go!" He stood and watched James and Peter leave before entering the Srieking Shack.  
  
**  
  
The interior of the Shack was pretty bad. Many chairs were ripped to pieces, and the little bit of moonlight that made it in through the boarded up windows cast a ghoulish look about the scene. Again in his great black dog form, Siruis sniffed the air, searching for any signs that Remus had been there. All he got was a faint whiff of fresh wind, which meant that the door leading to Hogsmeade had been open recently.  
  
Everything was quiet in Higsmeade. No screams, no broken glass to signify that Remus had attacked. So again, Sirius sniffed around until at last! He had found a scent.  
  
It led him to another deserted building on the outskirts of the tiny village. He made his way over the broken glass that covered the inside hallway, alert to even the smallest noises. He sniffed again and Remus' scent filled the air around him. He was in the right place.  
  
Howling softly, he hoped to coax remus out of hiding. So he was very suprised to find himself thrown against the wall with an angry werewolf snarling over him. Very gently he rolled himself over, revealing his soft belly to the wolf, which he hoped was a sign of submissiveness. The were- wolf stood back, watching him warily.  
  
Padfoot ( A/N: I'm going to call them by thier nicknames when they are in animal form so I don't confuse myself!) stood up, shaking. He went to sit next to Moony, when suddenly the werewolf was hostile again, this time fangs bared. He whined, and recived a sharp blow from Moony's claws.  
  
Padfoot decided not to push it any further. He backed out of the house and ran back to Hogwarts, the three deep cuts he had recieved stinging in the wind. **  
  
~October 2  
{Don't know why I lied to Prongs and Wormtail about the cuts Moony gave me. It's the most annoying thing, thier right underneath my eye so everytime I blink it hurts. Moony still isn't back, and I'm kinda glad... I don't understand why he did that...}  
  
It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, and Sirius was laying on his bed in his dormitory. James was off with Lily, and Peter...well, who knew where Peter was. The cuts on his face still hadn't healed, and a tiny voice in his head wondered if you could become a were-wolf by being scratched.  
  
"Padfoot?" Remus stood in the doorway, looking pale and weary.  
  
"Good to see you, Moony." Sirius said, not looking at him.  
  
"Padfoot, I'm sure you're upset with me, and I-"  
  
"Now why would I be upset with you, Moony?" Sirius said sarcastically. "I mean, just because you've been ignoring me, then you attack me and slice open my face, no, I don't see any reason why I would be upset with you!" He glared at Remus, who now sat at the foot of his bed.  
  
"I came to say I was sorry, Sirius." Remus said, looking down at his hands. "I don't know what was wrong with me. I just needed to think and the were-wolf got the better of me..."  
  
Sirius sat up. "Then why were you avoiding me all last week?"  
  
"I needed to think, Sirius. About the thing that happened in the bathrooms."  
  
Groaning, Sirius covered his face. "You had to remind me about that, didn't you, mate?'  
  
"Sirius," Remus said solemnly, pulling Sirius' hands away from his face. "That moment, I had never felt that way before. Ever, and it scared me. It still does. I don't understand it at all. That's why I needed to think, and that's why I left the Shriekng Shack." He shook his head, and Sirius noticed how many different shades made up Remus' sandy hair. Before he realized what he was doing, Sirius pulled Remus' face to his, and gently kissed his forehead. Then he kissed Remus on the lips. Emotion swept through him in tidal waves, he had never felt like this before...  
  
Remus pulled away, blushing. He wouldn't look at Sirius, and fled out of the dormitory, nearly plowing down James.  
  
"Oy, what's with him?"James said, looking strangely at Sirius, who was trying his hardest not to blush himself.  
  
"Something to do with his stomach..." he said, laying back down, and avoiding James' eyes. -What did I just do? What is wrong with me?  
  
{ What is wrong with me? I could have any girl I want in this school ( with the excepion of Lily) but I end up sharing my first true kiss with Moony?...)  
  
**  
  
Well, thats the end of Chapter Four! OOOO! Ain't it great? If you think so, reply and tell me so, If you don't think so, then reply and pretend you think its good! ^-^ that's it! Isn't slash fun? 


	5. Chapter 5

Hey guys! I'm back again and with Chapter 5! OOOOO! *wonder* *amazement*Anywho, here it is:  
  
~disclaimer~:uh huh... You all now the drill, don't own it, never have, never will, all that jazz!  
  
**  
  
Chapter Five  
  
~Sirius' Journal (Narrative) October 4~  
  
The next day, Remus didn't attend any classes, which definently caught James' attention. In Potions, he whispered to Sirius,  
  
"Padfoot, whats wrong with Moony?"  
  
Sirius didn't look him in the eyes. "Said something about a stomach ache." He was lying, of course. He hadn't spoke to Remus since Saturday, and prefered not to think about it (the thought of it nearly made him cry with embarassment). He reached for a vial of powdered skink scales.  
  
James rolled his eyes. "Okay, we have been friends since our first year Sirius. I know you like the back of my hand. So don't try to lie to me." He moved the vial out of Sirius' reach. "Tell me the truth."  
  
"I don't know, Prongs. I haven't spoken to or seen Moony since Saturday." Sirius reached for the skink scales. "Now give those to me!"  
  
James held the vial away from him. "What were you guys talking about on Saturday? He seemed relly upset, and so do you!"  
  
"If you know me like the back of your hand, then you should be able to tell me!" Sirius snapped. "Accio Vial!" The vial soared out of James' grasp, and Sirius added it angrily into his potion.  
  
James looked seriously taken aback. "Sorry Padfoot. I didn't realize that it was your time of the month."  
  
Snorting, Sirius focused on his potion. -Who does James think I am? Remus' keeper? Why doesn't he just worry about his precious Lily, seeing as that was all he really cared about. As soon as those thoughts ran through Sirius' head, he regretted them. Then he thought about how nosy James was and was angry again. -What is wrong with me?  
  
The two finished thier potions in silence, completely ignoring each other. After class was dismissed, James hurried of to find Lily, leaving Sirius stuck with Peter, who was going on and on about how he knew he had botched up the potion.  
  
"-and instead of adding three TEASPOONS of Stinksap, I added three tablespoons, and then I-"  
  
"Wormtail, why don't you meet me in the library? I, er, left something in the Potions classroom," Sirus said, running towards the class.  
  
When he reached the thrid floor corridor, he slowed to a walk, and mused on what was happeining with Remus, which resulted in him not watching where he was going, and that resulted in him running into somebody and falling flat on his backside.  
  
"What the-? Oh! I'm so sorry," he exclaimed, jumping to his feet. "Here, lemme help you." He reached to help the boy up, and realized who it was. "Oh, Moony! we missed you in class today."  
  
Remus, who was picking up his fallen books replied nonchalantly, "Hello Padfoot. Sorry, Professor McGonagall needed to talk to me."  
  
"Sounds like fun..." -What are we doing?, Sirius thought. -Shooting the breeze like nothings wrong?"  
  
"Listen, I need to talk to you-" both boys said at the same time.  
  
Sirius grinned sheepishly. "You go first."  
  
Remus sighed and looked at Sirius. "Sorry I ran on Saturday. Y-you kinda took me by surprise, you know?" He half laughed. "That was the first time I had been...well...you know..."  
  
"Ah, well..." Sirius said, scratching his back, and looking slightly embarassed. "Same for me...the kissing part I mean...And I'm sorry about that. It was spur of the moment, y'know?"  
  
"So there's no feelings?" Remus asked, watching Sirius carefully.  
  
"Er...no, not really..." Sirius lied awkwardly, afraid to admit his feelings.  
  
"Oh...good...that takes a load off my shoulders..." Remus smiled, but Sirius could have sworn he detected a tiny bit of disappointment in Remus' voice. He opened his mouth and was about to tell Remus the truth when James ran up and started telling them about Quidditch pratice, unaware of the turmoil going on between his best friends.  
  
**  
  
~October 8  
  
{Remus was in class today. It's so wierd, both of us are acting like theres nothing wrong at all, though I can sense the sadness eminating from him...Did I do the right thing, lying to him?}  
  
Sirius sat in a poufy armchair in the common room, chewing on the tip of his quill, staring blankly at the page in front of him. The common room was unusually quiet for a Saturday. Most of the students were at Hogsmeade, spending thier pocket money, but since he was saving his for his new flat, he decided against wasting it on Dungbombs and Stinkpellets and other goodies like that. So instead he was writing poetry, which was odd for him.  
  
"A penny for your thoughts," someone said softly. Sirius looked up to find Remus smiling over his shoulder.  
  
"Just writing..."  
  
Remus' eyes brightened up. "Can I read it?"  
  
Sirius hesitiated, but looking at the excitment in Remus' eyes, relented. His scratchy handwriting covered the page.  
  
"Watching you everyday,  
Being so close  
Yet so far away  
Tears me up inside  
Hearing your soft and flowing voice  
Nearly makes me lose my mind  
Never to touch you,  
Only to watch you  
Breaks my heart in so many ways.  
Never to touch you,  
Never to hold you  
My only wish is that I may  
Be with you forever  
Always together,  
Never hear never  
Escape from your lips.  
To feel your skin against me,  
To have yor arms caress me  
To have you always miss me  
Whenever I depart for one moment.  
But never shall my dream become  
For you I am not the one.  
I love what was never there  
And I alone this dream will share  
Never to hold you  
Never to have you  
Never to be the one you love.  
Never to touch you  
Never to kiss you  
For I am not the one."  
  
Remus' eyes grew wider and wider as he read the poem. When he finished reading, he looked at Sirius, who was playing nervously with a loose bit of fbric on the armchair(A/N: It's very nerve-racking having ones peers read ones poetry, I know! -.-") Remus' large honey eyes were filled with emotion, but Sirius couldn't place it.  
  
"Wow, Padfoot. What girl is this about?"  
  
"Its about yo- I mean, Yovanna.Thats it, Yovanna...I met her over the summer." Sirius lied (again). He avoided Remus' gaze.  
  
"Really?" Remus smiled, eyebrows raised. "Tell me about her, she must be beautiful to have inspired you to write like that."  
  
"Well, her eyes are the color of honey, and match perfectly to her sandy brown hair. So many shades of color make up her hair, when you stare at it, its like staring into waves of amber." Sirius said, reminiscing, quite forgetting himself. "And the smile! When you are a recipient of his smile, its enough to melt even the coldest heart, thats how warm it is. Oh, and his lips...I've never felt lips like his...they are so warm and inviting...and when they touch your own..."  
  
Suddenly Sirius realized where he was and who he was talking to. So of couse, he improvised. "And her breasts-"  
  
"You said 'his', Padfoot." Remus whispered.  
  
"Er...no I didn't?"  
  
Remus laughed. "You can lie so well to teachers, but you are horrible when it comes to lying to me! Who was the poem really about?"  
  
Sirius looked embarassed. "Do I really have to say it?"  
  
Remus nodded. "Yep." He wanted to hear it with his own ears, to make sure it was really true.  
  
Sirius closed his eyes, and whispered. "You."  
  
Remus blinked. "What?"  
  
"It's about you, Moony." Sirius said, a pained expression on his face. He could feel his cheeks growing hot, so he turnd away from Remus, and started to write some more. Remus, who had sat in a stunned silence (Why did it shock him so much? He had an idea Sirius liked him...), couldn't believe what he was hearing. He reached down and pulled Sirius' face towards him, his fingers stroking the three tiny scars underneath Sirius' eye. then he kissed him, softly, gently, a little nervous. Sirius blinked, and pulled Remus down on top of him. Remus turned his face away.  
  
"Sorry, Padfoot," he said, getting up off of Sirius' lap. "I can't...not here...how can this be..." He walked off, muttering under his breath, leaving Sirius alone in the common room.  
  
**  
  
Wow, wasn't that great? really? Well tell me about in it your reviews! Oh, BTW, that poem up there is 100% original, written by yours truly at 9:23 PM last night. Good stuff huh? =^_^= 


	6. Chapter 6

Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long since I last posted, been busy -.-' Any who,here's chapter six, it's not very good, but a key thing to the story happens here. Oh, and ten points to the person who can tell me the name of the sone (and who it's by) where I got "...meandered like a restless wind inside a letter box." Ummm...oh yeah, just a couple of notes. I'm going to just call Dumbledore and McGonagall by thier last names, n professor, because right now they're not, kay? ^-^=  
  
**  
Chapter Six  
  
The kitchen of the Black house was by far the best room to be in. Molly had done her best to fix up the entire house, but the kitchen was her greatest triumph. The members of the Order found its always lit, cheerful fire a welcome luxury after the stress of saving the world, and the smell of Molly's cooking could take anyone's mind off the troubles of thier life.  
  
Which was exactly what Remus was trying to do. But it wasn't working. Worries meandered through his mind like a restless wind inside a letter box, and he could do nothing about them. As usual, the main thing he mused on was Sirius.  
  
-He shouldn't be dead...- Remus thought for the millionth-and-first time, sipping some coffee. -Bellatrix's spell wasn't Avadra Kedavra, the light was red. If only that stupid arch and veil hadn't been there, things would be so much better. Harry would still have someone who was like a parent. He wouldn't be so alone in the world. I could tell him I loved him...- Remus blinked, and he realized he didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.  
  
Someone cleared thier throat behind him, startling him out of his thoughts. "May I sit here?" Tonks asked, motioning to the empty space on the bench next to Remus.  
  
"Of course," Remus answered. Tonks' appearance today shocked him, for many reasons. Jet black hair fell gracefully into her hematite eyes, and the corners of her pink lips were always turned up, like she knew something you didn't, and knowing that amused her. She looked like Sirius in a female body. "I don't own the house. Sit where ever you want."  
  
"Thanks," Tonks said gratefully as she sat next to him.. She yawned, stretching her long arms and legs. "How was your 'top secret mission', Mr. Secret Agent?"  
  
"Absolutely horrible!" Remus groaned. "It was a bloody waste of my, and the Order's, time. I gathered absolutely no information..."  
  
Tonks laughed. "Poor baby! Hey!" she exclaimed excitedly. "If you don't have anything planned, wanna go to dinner with me? I found an adorable little Greek restaurant just down the road, and they have the best hummus I have ever tasted, you must try it!" Remus stared at her, and she grinned, embarrassed. " I figured you'd like to get out of this dreary old house and have a little fun for once."  
  
Remus stared at her for a couple of seconds, then broke out into a grin. She reminded him of Sirius so much. -This was something he would have done to cheer me up.- Remus thought. "I'd love to Tonks! It sounds excellent."  
  
"Really?! Oh, that's wonderful, wait until you try the garlic and black olive hummus! It's to die for...Speaking of food, Molly must be putting something in her meatloaf, because I haven't made a single blunder in a whole three days! I am so proud of myself!" she rambled as she got up to get herself a glass of pumpkin juice. She flung open the refridgerator door, and, a little to enthusiastically, placed the pitcher down on the table, causing the juice to splash all over her. Cursing under her breath, she quickly cleaned up the mess and turned on Remus. "Don't you dare laugh!"  
  
"I wouldn't dream to," Remus said, his cheeks flushed with suppressed laughter. Tonks was behaving exactly as Sirius had when he and Remus were both a bit 'tipsy' (Tipsy was a polite way to put it!). But that memory of Sirius sent a pang of sadness through Remus, and the laughter faded quickly away. Tonks seemed to notice something was going on inside Remus, because she went and put her arm around him.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly. "Because I'm here for you, you know...if you need me."  
  
"Thanks, Tonks." Remus smiled, but like always, his eyes remained cold and sad.  
  
Tonks opened her mouth to say something, but Molly hurried in, followed by Dumbledore and McGonagall.  
  
"Tonks, grab a coat and help me would you? It starts to pour exactly as I am getting the groceries in!" Molly muttered angrily.  
  
Rolling her eyes, Tonks got up and followed Molly out of the kitchen, "Remus, I'll see you at seven, then?"  
  
"Seven sounds great," Remus called.  
  
"What was that about?" McGonagall asked, eyebrows raised.  
  
"Nothing. Tonks invited me to dinner, that's all." Remus shrugged.  
  
Dumbledore frowned. "I'm afraid that you'll have to cancel. Minerva and I have fixed the spell so that it should last for at least five hours, so I need you to go back to the Malfoys. Tonight."  
  
Remus sighed, and placed down his cup. "But I already promised her..."  
  
"Don't worry," said McGonagall. "I'm positive Tonks will understand why your dinner plans will have to be canceled."  
  
Remus looked unsure, but said, "Alright, tell me how to do the spell."  
  
Dumbledore and McGonagall started to explain the spell, and it was incredibly complicated. The spell actually involved Remus to weave it into some sort of a rope, than he had to place the rope in a circle and stand in it before it would work. Luckily the spell rope could be cast anywhere, and was portable, so Remus could have McGonagall and Dumbledore help him.  
  
When the spell rope was complete, Remus put it in his pocket and put on his cloak, which was now fraying at the seams. -I need to get a new cloak as soon as I get some money...- he thought absently as he walked out into the pouring rain.  
  
**  
  
Well, thats the end of Chapter Six! I hope ya'll liked it! So go now, REVIEW!! Erm...yeah...that's about it...^-^" 


	7. Chapter 7

Here's chapter seven! Notes: I don't know if Wizards eat Godiva chocolate, but Remus ADORES chocolate (I got that from my own personal Remus Lupin guru, Miss Moony) so in my world they do, okay? Okay! Secondly, I don't know for sure that Sirius likes phoenixs (and I don't know how to spell the plural of phoenix. Phoenixes, phoenixs, phoeni? ^.^-) but again, in my world he does! lol  
  
Disclaimer: Do I really have to? *pouts* I don't own harry Potter...b/c if I did, I'd finish the series before I made the movies so my fans wouldn't have to wait so long between books...*eye twitch*  
  
**  
Chapter Seven  
  
~Sirius' Journal~ ~December 23~  
  
{Staying at James' house for Christmas break, but I might go back to Hogwarts early...I miss Remus...}  
  
"Are you sure you want to go, Sirius?" Mrs. Potter asked in a motherly sort of way. "You know you can stay here as long as you want!"  
  
Sirius smiled at her affectionately. "Thanks Mrs. Potter, but I have loads of homework to do, you know with N.E.W.T.S and all."  
  
"Oh, well, at least take some gingerbread cookies for you and Remus." She handed him a large bundle of cookies.Sirius smiled his thanks at her and pulled her into a hug.  
  
James came into the kitchen, Lily on his arm. "Well, sorry you have to go Padfoot. Christmas will be wierd without you."  
  
Sirius smiled at James. "You'll get over it! I wouldn't want to get in yours and Lily's way." He winked at Lily.  
  
"Sirius, you wouldn't be in our way!" Lily exclaimed.  
  
"Call me Padfoot, Lily. You're an honorary Marauder now!" Sirius chided. "Besides, we can't let poor Moony be stuck all alone with Wormtail on Christmas, now can we?"  
  
James laughed. "You're right! But you should bring him over here, if you can talk him into it!"  
  
"I'll try, but just in case I can't, Merry Christmas," he said, handing James and Lily each a small box. inside was a small pendant, James' of a stag, and Lily's of a flower, made out of sparkling silver. He smiled as they oohed and aahed over thier gifts, and silently exited the Potter household.  
  
**  
  
~December 24/25~  
  
Remus woke up early on Christmas morning, unsure why. He groaned and looked at his clock. 11:59. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he staggered out of bed, pulling on a too short robe over his striped pajamas, and walked downstairs into the common room. It was quiet, since most of the other students were still sleeping soundly.  
  
"Merry Christmas, Moony!" Remus nearly jumped out of his skin. He let out a strangled yell, and turned a 360, trying to find whoever called his name.  
  
Sirius, who had been sitting in one of the poufy armchairs, laughed. "Twitchy, eh?"  
  
"Padfoot, you scared me half to death! What are you doing here?"  
  
"Nice to see you to!" Sirius pouted.  
  
"Sorry. Nice to see you, Padfoot. What are you doing here? I thought you were at Prongs' house!" Remus said, sitting on the floor in front of Sirius.  
  
"Nah, I left. He and Lily needed to be alone without me tagging along like a fifth wheel. Besides, I thought you'd like some company on Christmas."  
  
Remus smiled. "Thanks Padfoot."  
  
"You're welcome. Now are you going to open your present or not?" Sirius tossed Remus a small box, wrapped carefully in gold paper. Remus teared away at the beautiful wrapping, and opened it. Inside was a box of hand made Godiva truffles, and a silver pawprint pendant that had the initials R.L and S.B. engraved on it. He gasped, because he knew Sirius didn't have alot of money to spend now that he was living on his own, and neither of these gifts were cheap. "That's not all, Remus." Sirius lowered himself onto the floor next to Remus, and smiled at him. He kissed him, and Remus didn't pull away.  
  
Sirius smiled at Remus again. "Now, was that so bad?"  
  
"No..." Remus said, avoiding Sirius' eyes.  
  
"What's wrong?" Sirius asked.  
  
"It's just...I don't know...what happens if James and everybody finds out?" Remus answered, sighing.  
  
Sirius looked at Remus, studying him. "Does it really matter if others know?"  
  
"No...well, maybe. It's just that, I'm a werewolf, and now I am in love with a guy...I don't know..." Remus played with a piece of string. "I just never thought that I would end up like this, you know?" He turned to Sirius, who was so close that Remus could have counted his eyelashes.  
  
"You love me?" Sirius whispered.  
  
Remus nodded. "Yes," he said quietly.  
  
"Then that's all that matters. Screw what everyone else thinks. I love you, Remus, and you know me well enough to know that I don't say that very often." Sirius pulled Remus against him, resting his chin on Remus' head. "As long as we are in love, that's all that matters in this world."  
  
"You really think so?"  
  
"Of course. I don't care about what evryone else thinks."  
  
"That's easy for you to say. You're the gorgeous Sirius Black. Every girl wants to be with you, every guy wants to be you. But me? I'm just geeky Remus Lupin, the prefect. Plus, I'm a werewolf."  
  
Sirius pushed Remus up so that he could look him in the eye. "Bite me."  
  
"What?" Remus asked puzzled.  
  
"You heard me. Bite me. That way I can be a werewolf too."  
  
Remus stared at Sirius. "Of course I'm not going to bite you, are you insane?"  
  
"Yes," Sirius smirked. "I want you to be happy, Moony. Even if that means I have to become a werewolf."  
  
Remus sat dumbstruck. "That wouldn't make me happy..."  
  
"What would then?"  
  
A few seconds passed during which Remus sat looking thoughtful. "Kiss me."  
  
"With pleasure," Sirius laughed, kissing Remus again. "You said I could have any girl I wanted, but did I pick any of them? No. I picked you."  
  
"You picked me." Remus smiled, snuggling up against him. "I guess you're right."  
  
"I won't go broadcasting this all over the school, okay? Just for you..." Sirius said, closing his eyes.  
  
Remus smiled happily. "You never asked for your present!" He gave Sirius a large box, inside which was a large photo album, filled with wizard photographs of the Marauders together. one page, though contained only two people. Remus and Sirius, a picture of them for each year they had known each other. There were also beautifully framed pictures of phoenixes, which were Sirius' favorite animals, besides dogs. Also down at the very bottom of the box was a bag of doggie treats and a squeaky toy.  
  
Sirius lifted out the dog treats and the squeaky toy, and laughed. "Thanks Moony. I love them, really!"  
  
" I knew you would! I figured you could use an incentive to start studying in class!" Remus chuckled. Then he kissed him, his tongue just barely touching Sirius'. "Merry Christmas, Padfoot."  
  
"Merry Christmas, Moony." Sirius smiled, eyes slowly closing as he and remus sat in front of the slowly dying fire.  
  
**  
  
Awww! Wasn't that great? really? I thought so. You should review and tell me all you thought about it! ^-^ Anywho, I just realized that Remus and Sirius kiss alot...*ponders* Ah well, they can kiss all they want! *smooches* heehee. Love ya'll. 


	8. Chpter 8

Hey guys, here be chappy 8. hope ya like it cuz that's how its gunna be. ^___^ Alrighty first off, I've had it brought to my attention that some people may be confused about m story. I've had two questions asked.  
  
1) Why aren't Lily and James a big part of the story?  
  
2)Why are Remus and Sirius slashed?  
  
My answers:  
  
1) Because this fic is mostly about Remus and Sirius, and Lily and James would just be useless filler if I made them any bigger than what they are now. I mean, don't get me wrong, they ARE going to be in my fic, they're just not going to be main characters. ^__^  
  
2) ::sighs:: They are gay because that's how I want this fic to go. If I can't have them, then they chould have each other. lol. No, really it's because of this piccy my friend showed me (see my bio) that's of them kissing. it got me thinking, and I was all like, Dude, imagine how Remus must feel having to watch his love be killed, and not being able to really grieve openly about it. It was perfect! - ^_____^-  
  
So, I hope that clears any confusion up!  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter...Just Remus and Sirius...*evil giggle* *drool*  
  
**  
~Chapter *~  
  
~Sirius' Journal~ ~April 24, 1990~  
  
{Prongs and Lily got married today.I'm so happy for them. Prongs looked odd, all dressed up in a tuxedo and tie. Lily, of course, looked stunning. Remus...well, lets just say he wasn't in his clothes very long after the wedding that it doesn't really matter what his tux looked like...}  
  
"Padfoot," James said nervously as Sirius straightened his tie for the umpteenth time. "I don't know if I should do this..."  
  
Sirius snorted. "Don't be stupid. You're just getting cold feet, Prongs. You know that Lily's your true love, and everything will be fine. Now, lets go!"  
  
"I just don't want anything to change between you, me and Moony."  
  
"Nothings going to change, I promise!" Sirius smiled, pushing James gently into the church.  
  
"You'll always be my best friends, Sirius."  
  
"And you'll always be mine, James," Sirius answered.  
  
**  
  
The wedding went perfectly, and the reception was a blast. The newlyweds glittered, and it was obvious to everyone that they were meant for each other. Remus hung around the edges, trying to be a wall-flower, but Sirius kept pushing him onto the dance floor.  
  
True to his word, Sirius showed no outwards signs that anything was happening between him and Remus. He sat with him during dinner, and made sure that Remus wasn't alone. Sirius himself spent the majority of the evening dancing with Lily's friends, though he was always near Remus during these dances.  
  
Finally, around midnight, the reception ended. Lily and James flew off into the night on his prized broomstick, and the guests left soon after. Except for Remus and Sirius.  
  
"May I have this dance?" Sirius smiled, holding his hand out to Remus, who was sitting alone on the dance floor.  
  
Remus looked up. "There's no music," he said softly. With a wave of his wand, Sirius comjured up a stereo. Music drifted softly through the air, and Sirius grinned at Remus.  
  
"May I have this dance?" he asked again, extending his hand. Remus smiled, and stood up. The two danced slowly alone underneath the enchanted ceiling.  
  
"It's a little bit funny this feeling inside  
  
I'm not one of those who can easily hide  
  
I don't have much money but boy if I did  
  
I'd buy a big house where we both could live  
If I was a sculptor, but then again, no  
  
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show  
  
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do  
  
My gift is my song and this one's for you  
And you can tell everybody this is your song  
  
It may be quite simple but now that it's done  
  
I hope you don't mind  
  
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
  
How wonderful life is while you're in the world..." the radio sang as Remus and Sirius danced, lost in thier own little world. The outside world melted slowly away, all that mattered was that they were together, sharing thier first real dance.  
  
"I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss  
  
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross  
  
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song  
  
It's for people like you that keep it turned on  
So excuse me forgetting but these things I do  
  
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue  
  
Anyway the thing is what I really mean  
  
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen  
And you can tell everybody this is you're song  
It mat be quite simple but now that its done  
I hope you don't mind  
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
How wonderful life is while you're in the world  
I hope you don't mind  
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
How wonderful life is now you're in the world..."  
  
The song faded out, and Remus looked into Sirius' eyes.  
  
"Well, thanks, Padfoot. I'll be seeing you later," he said, turing away and starting to head out of the building.  
  
"Not so fast!" Sirius exclaimed, taking Remus by the arm. "You're coming with me." Remus looked at him inquiringly, but Sirius said nothing more, he just led Remus to a small apartment. A small table for two was set up on the balcony, candles illuminating the scene. Two glasses filled with red wine rested on rose petals, which were strewn about the table. A box of Godiva truffles lay open in the middle of the arrangement.  
  
Remus turned and stared at Sirius, who looked immensely pleased with himself. "My uncle Alphard gave me some money after gradutation. Thought I'd treat you to something special on our anniversary!"  
  
"Our...anniversary?" Remus said, trying to remember.  
  
Sirius gasped in mock disgust. "Really, Moony. I'd expect you to remember anniversaries better than me. I mean," he added with a wicked smile on his face. "you're obviously the girl in the relationship."  
  
Remus flushed, and gave Sirius the death glare. "That's not funny!"  
  
"Aww! Don't be mad, Moony. I was only playing! Have a chocolate." He offered Remus the box of truffles. Remus, no matter how upset he was, could never pass up chocolate. Grudgingly he took a truffle, and ate it. Sirius smiled at him, and offered him a glass of wine. Warily, Remus took the glass and took a sip.  
  
"It's good," Remus complimented awkwardly. This was a very expensive gift, and of course he hadn't gotten Sirius anything, so he felt doubly worse. "Er...do you mind if I take a bath? I'm a little sweaty from all the dancing."  
  
"It's to the left of the bedroom," Sirius motioned, drinking his wine and watching the city below him. Remus smiled his thanks, and walked into the bathroom. Undressing quickly he stepped into the hot water, sighing happily as he sunk down into the tub. With steaming water covering his body, Remus' mind started to wander. He thought about his friends, and how odd it was going to be outside of Hogwarts.  
  
-Graduating shouldn't change anything, I mean, Prongs, Wormtail, Padfoot and I will always be friends...and we are all in the Order, so we'll still get to see each other. And if Padfoot and I ...- he sighed mentally. Everything got mixed up when it came to Sirius. -I can't believe I forgot our anniversary...it was sweet of him to do this for me.- He smiled as he thought about the chocolate and wine. And thier dance. It was the first "thing" they had done out in public, and Remus was a little scared of what it meant. He knew that he and Sirius were meant for each other, it was obvious, but the whole thing wierded him out.  
  
"Hey sexy," Sirius smiled, taking off his shirt. Remus yelped, covering himself with a towel. Sirius laughed, and finished undressing. "Don't bother, I've been standing here for a while," he said, as he too got into the bathtub. Remus blushed, and scooted to the far edge of the tub. "Wine?" Sirius asked, conjuring up a glass.  
  
"I've got it," Remus replied, and a glass appeared next to him. He took a sip, and looked at Sirius. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Taking a bath," Sirius replied calmly. Moving next to Remus (who, by the way, was still covering himself with a towel), he rested his head on Remus' shoulder. "Happy anniversary, Moony."  
  
"Happy anniversary, Padfoot." Remus stirred uncomfortably, his left arm causing him pain because of the way he was sitting. If he moved, his arm would stop hurting him, but that would result in him having to move tha towel, and he wasn't quite sure he wanted to do that. Still, his arm was hurting quite badly, so swallowing his modesty, he moved the towel, and quickly relieved the pain in his arm. Sirius, to Remus' slight surprise, did nothing.  
  
"You do realize you're getting the towel you were supposed to use to dry off with wet, right?" Sirius smiled. Remus had not realized that, and now felt immensely stupid. Sighing, he placed the towel out to the side, so it could try and dry. Modesty was pretty much screwed now, Sirius had already seen him, and was going to again sooner or later. "That's better," Sirius said, kissing Remus on the chin.  
  
Remus sighed, "I suppose..." He looked down at Sirius, and smiled. "I love you."  
  
"Me too..."  
  
"You love me or you love you?"  
  
Sirius pondered on this. "Both."  
  
Remus laughed, and stood up. "Well, I feel better." He grabbed the still soaking towel, and tried in vain to dry himself off.  
  
"For Pete's sake, Moony," Sirius rolled his eyes. "Come with me." grabbing Remus' hand, he led him to the linen closet, grabbed a clean towel, and pushed it into his hand.  
  
"Thank you. Er...do you have I place were I can change?"  
  
"Theres the bedroom." Sirius showed Remus to the bedroom, and started rummaging around in his dresser.  
  
"Um, Padfoot...do you, er, mind?" Remus said, blushing slightly. Sirius snorted, and snatching his robe, stomped out of the room. Remus shut the door behind him.  
  
While Remus was dressing, Sirius searched the kitchen, unsure what he was hungry for. He had plenty of food, but nothing really sounded appetizing. Scratching his stomach, he shut the pantry and sat on the couch. Remus was sending him such mixed messages. -He lets me take a bath with him, but I'm not allowed in the room while he gets dressed?- Sirius sniffed moodily. -What's he playing at?-  
  
After what seemed like an hour, Sirius finally got bored, and went back to his bedroom. Opening the door, he smiled to himself. Remus was laying in bed, sleep just starting to fall. Quietly, Sirius entered the room, and crept into bed himself. Remus stirred, turning and facing Sirius. He smiled happily, and put his arm around him. Sirius leaned in and kissed him, and Remus returned it. Boldly, Remus placed his tongue in Sirius' mouth, thier tongues touching. Sirius rolled Remus over to where he was on top, and they kissed again and again.  
  
Sirius dark eyes met Remus', and saw that they were filled with passion and love. He smiled, and that night, he was the happiest man on Earth.  
  
**  
  
OOOO! Ain't it great? Gotta love slashies. Cuz they are sooooo much fun! ^__^ Read and Review, pwease! 


	9. Chapter 9

Alrighty then, on with the fic!  
  
Disclaimer: don't own harry potter. Please don't sue me (you'll want to kill me at the end though... -.-) **  
~Chapter 9  
  
Tonks-  
  
Sorry I had to cancel on our dinner plans. I truly didn't expect to have to leave so soon, Dumbledore suprised me. I hope that we can reschedule, if this mission doesn't take too horribly long. Be sure to save some hummus for me!  
  
-Remus  
  
"Take this to Tonks," Remus said, tying his letter to a miniature brown owl's outstretched leg. The tiny owl hooted happily, thrilled at having a package to deliver. He took off, flying around Remus' head a couple of times before actually heading off towards Grimmauld Place. Remus watched as the tiny owl flew into the distance, and for some reason he felt sort of sad not being able to meet Tonks. But there was no time for feelings, he had a job in front of him, and he needed to focus every bit of his energy on it.  
  
He found himself in front of the Malfoys mansion once more, and it still looked as eerie as ever. A cold breeze bit through Remus' threadbare robes, causing him to shiver. Taking out his wand, he placed the spell rope in a circle around him, and concentrated deeply . Then using his wand to trace the infinity sign in the air in front of him. Then, tapping himself lightly on the head, he said "Omnipotencia!" A strange shiver went throug his body, and looking in a small hand-mirror, he saw that the spell had worked. Checking to make sure he had an extra spell rope in his pocket, he entered the Malfoy household once more.  
  
**  
  
Again, the extravagance that filled the Malfoy house was absurd. As Remus wandered freely throughout the house, he grew more and more disgusted the farther he went. He wandered about, trying to find any clue to where any Death Eaters might be hidden. Apparently Wednesdays were the Malfoy's days "off", because no one was home.  
  
Remus found himself in the study again somehow, and he decided that there might be something useful there, so he started to snoop.  
  
Hundreds of books lined the cases that covered three of the five walls. Remus glanced at the titles. Noble Bloodlines: Know Your Family Geneology; Purebloods: Famous Pureblooded Wizards (and some infamous Mudbloods); The Most Ancient House of Malfoy; Curses, Hexes and Jinxes; Quidditch Pro: Everything you need to master the exciting sport of Quidditch The last one didn't seem to fit into the whole "we're-better-than- you" theme that was obviously used throughout the whole room ( How many family portraits do you need in one room? For the Malfoys, at least sixty.), so curious, Remus picked it up. With a quiet shwoosh, the huge wall turned on its corner, revealing a dark, dank passageway, that, all in all, did NOT look very appealing. So, of course, Remus went down into it.  
  
Many sharp twists and turns certainly kept Remus on his toes, and was nearly making him sick to his stomach. For what seemed like hours he wandered stupidly through the passage, wondering if this was some cruel joke of the Malfoys, designed to teach snoops a lesson. Then, just when he was half-mad with boredom, and ready to sit down and sing "I'm a Little Teapot" until his head exploded, the tunnel ended abrubtly with a door. Remus, startled out of his madness, decided that, given the alternative, opening the door would be a wonderful thing to do. So, very quietly, he pushed open the large, wooden, sanctuary-like door and entered the room behind it.  
  
This room, much like the rest of the Malfoy house, was lavishly furnished. Hard cherry-wood chairs upholstered in red crush-velvet sat primly on a soft black floor. Two large fireplaces were carved into the large stone walls, a bright fire crackling in each. In a plush armchair, a lean figure dozed, a cup of hot cocoa tipping dangerously in her lap. Remus supressed a gasp. Bellatrix Lestrange was sitting here, in the Malfoy house, about to spill hot cocoa down the front of her new black silk robes. Her dark hair was falling slightly over her closed eyes, and a lock of it flew back and forth in rhythm to her breath, which was escaping through her thin lips.  
  
Remus fought the urge to "accidentally" knock over the cocoa, and instead checked his watch. Four hours and fifty-five minutes had passed, and the spell was only good for five hours. Taking out the extra spell rope, Remus silently exited out into the passage way, and started to prepare to replenish the spell. He checked his watch one last time, he now had less than two minutes to recast his protection spell, and he hurried as much as he could. Just when he started to trace the infinity sign in the air, he heard footsteps echoing down the hallway. Many thoughts raced through his mind, the main theme being: "Shit. I'm screwed." He hurriedly tapped him self on the head and opened his mouth to cast the spell when,  
  
"Impedimentia!" a voice said calmly, and Remus froze mid-word. Lucius Molfay smirked wickedly as he came round the bend, twirling his wand idly in his long fingers. "Imperio! Well, hello Mr.-Lupin, was it? Welcome to my humble abode. I'm sure Dumbledore sent you, so why don't we have a little chat in my private study, shall we?" He motioned towards the room where Bellatrix was napping. Remus, under the Imperious Curse could do nothing but glare at Malfoy.  
  
The two entered the room just as Bellatrix was stirring. "H-H-Hello, Lucius," she yawned. Amusement spread across her thin face when she saw Remus. "And who is this?"  
  
"A guest. I figured we should make him feel at home," Lucius smiled. Remus glared at them, but that was all.  
  
Malfoy's voice repeated through his brain, Sit down, Sit down. Remus focused all his energy on throwing of the spell for at least one second. Sit down, Sit down SIT DOWN! Malfoy's voice chanted. Sweat beaded on Remus' temples as he said to himself, I really don't want to sit down. Then in a split second, he forced Malfoy out of his head, and bellowed,  
  
"Messengia Phoenixum!" A puff of smoke in the shape of a phoenix burst from the end of his wand and swooped out of the room, sailing through the walls like a ghost. A reckless grin exploded over Remus' face as he turned to Malfoy and Bellatrix. "Stupefy!" A jet of red light hit Malfoy square in the chest, and he slumped to the ground, a look of stupidity and shock etched onto his face. Remus turned to Bellatrix, but she hit him with something that sent him flying backwards, hitting the wall with a sickening thump.  
  
"Neat trick," she said, standing over him triumphantly. Remus groaned as he tried to sit up. "Think that hurts? Try this! Crucio!" Remus curled into a ball as pain racked through his whole body. It felt as if hundreds upon hundreds of razors were slicing his skin open, yet he didn't yell or scream.This didn't make Bellatrix very happy, because she concentrated harder, causing the pain to almost triple in intensity.  
  
BANG! The pain suddenly stopped and Bellatrix was lying on the floor. Remus had his wand extended, and he realized he must have cast spell in desperation. But sadly, the effects didn't last long, Bellatrix was already getting to her feet.  
  
Remus stood himself up, ignoring the throbbing in his lower back. He faced Bellatrix. -This is it, Remus,- he thought. -This is your chance to avenge Sirius. Do it now!-  
  
Before he could get a spell out, Bellatrix laughed. "Going to avenge my cousin, eh? I knew he was an oddball, but I would never guess he was queer!" Remus' face flushed."And with a were-wolf, too. I'm glad I killed him, he was a disgrace to the Black family!"  
  
"Crucio!" Remus didn't care if he got in trouble for using an Unforgivable Curse, he didn't care if he wound up in Azkaban. All he wanted to do was cause Bellatrix pain. He wanted to kill her. Kill. Her.Until. She. Was. Dead. But Bellatrix just laughed as the curse was deflected by a shield spell.  
  
"Of all the lucky guesses," she smirked. "I really didn't know he was queer. But, since I seperated the two love birds, the only thing I could do," she said, mockingly, "is reunite you two. And the only way I know to do that is to get rid of you. Mortious!"  
  
"Protego!" a voice cried. The shield took the brunt of the spell, but Remus still got hit. "Stupefy!" the voice yelled as he fell backwards. Everything was going in slow motion, and he couldn't seem to focus on anything. "Remus!" he heard someone cry, but he wasn't sure. Everything was fuzzy...a strange peacefulness enveloped him. He felt his head being lifted, and managed to open his eyes. Tonks' face floated above his eyes. "Remus! Stay with me!" Her voice sounded as if she was speaking through cotton, far away and muffled. "Remus! Please! Don't go!" He was extremely tired, and his eyelids were slowly closing. He gave one last sigh, and went limp in Tonks' arms.  
  
"No!" she gasped, and tried desperately to arouse him, because he was only sleeping. "Wake up!" She shook him gently. "Remus! Wake up!" Seizing his shoulders, Tonks shook him roughly. "Wake up!" she sobbed, shaking him agan and again.  
  
"Tonks," someone said gently. "It won't work. He's gone." Tonks shook her head, and Dumbledore lifted her chin to were his blue eyes were looking straight into hers. "He's gone, Tonks. He's dead."  
  
**  
  
*ducks cuz she knows stuffs bein' thrown at her* AACK! Don't hurt me. Just review and tell me how angry you are! Oh, and check back for the epilogue! Don't worry, it's gonna end happy, kay? 


	10. Chapter 10

**  
  
~Chapter 10~  
  
The world was silent, save for the gentle gurgling of water flowing over rocks, and the rustling of the leaves as the wind whispered through them. Remus groaned and sat up, shaking his head. The world spun as he tried to get his bearings. The rolling emerald landscape was dotted with old trees, and Remus sat underneath an old willow, whose branches were covered with so many leaves that he couldn't see the topmost branches. Memories ran through his head, and when he tried to focus on one, they slipped away just like the handful of sand that he had just picked up.  
  
Sand? Remus looked around, bewildered. What he had taken for grass was really soft sand. "Curiouser and curiouser," he murmered, looking around. "Where am I?"  
  
"Well, you're definently not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy!" a familiar voice called down, causing a stab of pain to hit Remus' heart. He couldn't look up, the blow hit too close to home. It couldn't be...  
  
"Not speaking to me? What have I done to make you mad this time, Moony? I haven't forgotten any anniversaries, have I?" Sirius said, jumping down from the tree and landing gracefully in front of Remus.  
  
"Sirius..." Remus whispered, unable to believe his eyes.  
  
"The one and only!" Sirius grinned, dark eyes laughing behind his darker hair.  
  
"But you..you..you're-" he couldn't bring himself to say it.  
  
"Dead? Yes, well, so are you for the moment, so its all good!" Sirius sat next to Remus and put his hand on Remus' knee, which Remus' jerked back instantaneously.  
  
-Dead?- Remus thought. He didn't remember dying. "Are you real?" Remus said, nervously. This place was seriously creeping him out.  
  
"What is real?" Sirius replied, put out by Remus' reaction to his touch. "I am as real as you, and as imaginary as heliopaths!"  
  
"What type of answer is that?" Remus muttered. "Fine then. Where are we?"  
  
"Erm...I'm not sure what this place is called, but the foods good, and that's all that matters!"  
  
Rolling his eyes, Remus asked. "Okay, how long have you been here?"  
  
"What is this, twenty questions? I have been here forever and never, I'm real and unreal! Does that answer you?"  
  
"NO!" Remus exploded. "I have no idea where I am, who you really are, what this place is, nothing! And you give me answers like you've been here forever and never, well that is completely-" He never got to say absurd, because at that very moment Sirius leaned forward and placed his lips over Remus'. Remus, taken aback, immediately pulled away. Sirius looked at him, and Remus could see the hurt plainly in his eyes.  
  
"How can I know who you are? And trust you?" Remus asked sadly.  
  
"Je souhoute que je pourais tomber le sommeil dans vos bras ce soir," Sirius said, hesitating over the foriegn words. Remus blinked. He remembered how hard it had been for Sirius to learn even the simplest phrase in a foreign language. Leaning forward slighly, he kissed Sirius, and realized this was no illusion. Never could Bellatrix mimick Sirius' kiss, never.  
  
"M'aussi, mon mignon," Remus whispered, smiling at Sirius and brushing a stray strand of jet hair out of his eyes. " I can't believe you learned French!"  
  
"Oú sont les toilettes?" Sirius smiled. Remus was amazed at the difference between this Sirius and the one who had escaped from Azkaban. This Sirius looked just like he did after high-school, full of energy and ready to take the world as his oyster.(^-~) "Je vous manque, m'amour," he said into Remus' ear.  
  
"Je vous manque aussi," Remus replied, as Sirius wiped away a solitary tear running down Remus' face. He left his hand there and pulled Remus to him. "I want to stay with you forever..."  
  
Sirius smiled sadly at him. "One day you will, Remus. But you are not meant to stay here now." He looked at Remus, whose sad brown eyes were filling with tears. "It's your chance to live, and you are destined to do great good. Plus, Harry needs you."  
  
"But I need you, Padfoot." Remus said simply, tears spilling from his large eyes. He buried his head into Sirius shoulder.  
  
Sirius held Remus tight. "I will always be there for you, Moony. I'm always going to be in your heart, cheering you on. Be strong." And he kissed Remus' forehead, then his nose, and finally they kissed for real. Now, there have only been 5 great kisses in the history of kisses, and this one put them all to shame. Never had two people been through so much pain and suffering, never had any couple loved each other so much. (This kiss even put Westley and Buttercup's kiss to shame!) Sirius let his lips linger on Remus fo a couple of seconds, savoring the sweet taste of his love before pulling back.  
  
"Padfoot, I didn't kill her." Remus said bitterly. "I had the perfect chance to kill her, kill that horrible bitch that took you away from me. And I didn't. I just stood there, and let her hit me. Why couldn't I do it? Why couldn't I kill her? I hate her so much."  
  
Sirius sat silently for a moment before replying. "I don't think you could ever kill any one in cold blood, Moony. You're just not that type of person. I think, in an odd cosmic sort of way, you not killing Bellatrix was for the best. Because, she deserves to be truly punished for her crimes, and death is too good for her."  
  
Remus rested his head on Sirius' strong shoulder. He closed his eyes and wished desperately that this moment would never end, that he could stay right here with Sirius forever.  
  
Meanwhile, twilight started to fall over the mysterious land, and Sirius could feel Remus starting to fall asleep in his lap. So, stroking Remus' sandy hair, he sang in a soft, sweet voice.  
  
"Good night sweetheart, 'til we meet tomorrow  
Good night sweetheart, sleep will banish sorrow  
Tears and waiting may make you forlorn,  
But with the dawn a new day is born  
  
So good night sweetheart, though I'm not beside you  
Good night sweetheart, still my love will guide you  
In dreams you are, in each one I'll hold you  
Good night sweetheart, good night..."  
  
Then, ever so gently, he kissed Remus' closed eyelids, and fell in to sleep himself.  
  
** 


	11. Chapter 11

**  
~Chapter Eleven~  
  
Tonks sat alone next to Remus' body, which Dumbledore had brought back to Grimmauld Place. They were going to bury him the next day, next to Lily and James.  
  
-Poor Harry...- Tonks thought, wiping her eyes. She didn't want to admit, even to herself that she was missing Remus horribly. She still hadn't eaten, or thrown out, the hummus she saved for him. -He must feel horrible. Losing his parents, then his godfather, and now the only person who was the closest he had to true family.-  
  
"Why did you go, Remus?" she said aloud, unaware that she was doing so. "Why did you leave us? Why did you leave-" she stopped, and jumped up out of her chair, landing on the bed next to Remus' body. Molly had just walked in the door and nearly dropped the pot of tea she had been carrying.  
  
"TONKS?! What are you doing?" she exclaimed.  
  
"I just saw him move his head."  
  
**  
  
The pain in Remus' head was excruciating. Every bone and muscle in his body protested violently as he tried to move. Muffled voices tried to penetrate his brain, though he couldn't exactly tell who they belonged to.  
  
"W-what's going on?" he tried to ask, but all he got in reply were two excited screams.  
  
"REMUS!!" a girl cried, and he felt himself being pulled upwards. Opening one eye, he focused groggily on her face. Bubble gum pink hair stood straight up on her head, and dark black eyes stared excitedly at him. "Oh, Remus, you're alive!"  
  
Molly suddenly burst into tears, and ran out of the room.  
  
"What's going on?" Remus said a little more clearly.  
  
"You're alive! You're alive!" Tonks repeated, hugging Remus' tight. "You're not dead, you're alive! I thought I'd lost you!"  
  
"Where am I?" he asked confused.  
  
"Grimmauld Place, the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. Oh, you're alive!" Tonks cried happily.  
  
Remus sighed, and tried to lift himself into a sitting position. He fell back, unable to even sit up. Disbelief was etched across his face. He was alive. Angry tears stung the corner of his eyes, and rolled down his cheeks, yet he couldn't even turn his face to hide them from Tonks, who was watching him with a worried expression.  
  
"What's wrong?" she asked. Happiness was fighting with worry for control of her. Remus said nothing. "Hey, you! What's the matter? Are you hurting?"  
  
Again Remus said nothing. How could he explain to her how he felt? Yes, he was in physical pain, even his fingernails hurt, but the emotional torment he was going through was almost unbearable. Guilt stormed over him. Guilt for not killing Bellatrix, guilt at being happy when he was dead, guilt for not giving a rat's ass whether or not Harry needed him, just as long as he, Remus, was with Sirius. And swimming just below the surface of guolt was an enormously heavy, despairing sadness. He got to be with Sirius again, yet he couldn't stay. Why the hell did Sirius send him back?  
  
"I er...saved you some hummus...if, er, you want..."Tonks said, smiling feebly.  
  
"No," Remus snapped angrily. He could barely lift his hands to dry his face. "Go..."  
  
Tonks face fell, all the joy she had felt fleeing as fast as a mouse when a cat approached. "Are you sure you don't want anything? Medicine? Molly has-"  
  
"Go away, Nymphadora! Leave me be!" Remus glared. Tonks staggered as though she had been slapped in the face. Nobody called her by her first name like that. She stared at Remus, who stared moodily at the ceiling, a look of pain and confusion on her face, then turned and fled out of the room.  
  
**  
  
"Wow, Professor Lupin, I never thought you could be a complete git," Ginny said idly as she and Hermione walked into the room, a tea tray in hand.  
  
"Why won't people leave me alone?" he exclaimed, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Hmmm...let me think," Hermione said smiling. "We all thought you were dead, but you aren't. So naturally, we're happy." She glanced at Ginny. "Well, except for Tonks. She's locked herself in the study."  
  
"What does she have to be uspet about?" he asked stupidly. "She's not the one who was happy to be dead, but was sent back to this place!"  
  
Ginny rolled her eyes, looking to Hermione to see if she knew what chromosome caused the human male to be so oblivious. Must be the testosterone, Hermione mouthed. "Here, Mum would flay us alive if we didn't at least offer you some tea." Ginny held out a cup for him, which he ignored. "Here!"  
  
"I don't want tea! All I want is to be left alone! What don't you people get about that? I don't want to be here, I don't want to be alive!" he yelled, hating everybody. He hated Hermione. He hated Ginny. He hated Tonks. He hated Dumbledore, and Harry, and everybody in the Order.  
  
"But, what about the Order? What about stopping V-Voldemort?" Hermione asked dumbfounded. "What about Harry?"  
  
"Screw Harry! Screw the Order! Screw Voldemort! Screw the whole damn world! It's not like they've done anything for me!"  
  
"That is the most selfish thing I have heard anybody say..." Ginny said, wide-eyed in amazement.  
  
"I'M ALLOWED TO BE SELFISH!!" Remus exploded. "Nobody cares how Remus feels or what Remus wants! Remus doesn't have a real life, he doesn't have a family, he doesn't have anybody who truly cares about him, so we can send him off on the most dangerous missions because nobody would miss him!"  
  
"That's not true," Hermione whispered.  
  
"Really?" he asked bitterly. "Who really cares about me?"  
  
"Sirius..."  
  
Remus avoided both girls eyes. The three sat in awkward silence, until finally, "Well, I still think you should apologize to Tonks. She cares about you, too," said Ginny. She and Hermione walked out of the room, shutting the rickety old door behind them.  
  
-What do they know?- Remus thought moodily. But then he thought about Tonks, and how sweet she was, and a strange feeling came over him. Maybe he should apologize... suddenly sadness swept over him, bringing tears to his eyes. -Why did you do this to me, Padfoot?-  
  
Exhausted from physical and mental stress, he closed his eyes, and hoping that sleep would bring him a repose from this emotional whirlwind he was stuck in, fell asleep.  
  
** 


	12. Chapter 12

**  
~Chapter 12~  
  
-The Marauder's Map!- Professor Remus Lupin smiled as he remebered the fun he, Sirius, James, and Peter all had. But thinking about his old friends sent a pang of sadness through him. Two of them were dead, and one, the person who he loved the most, was the Wizarding world's most wanted person.  
  
He shook his head, shaking the depressing thoughts away. Picking up his wand, he tapped the Map, and said softly, "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good!" Spider-silk like strands of ink webbed out across the paper, revealing the enchanted map of Hogwarts. Tiny dots moved about the parchment. Everything seemed to be normal. Snape was sitting in his office, as was Professor Dumbledore.And, just as he thought, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were standing outside of Hagrid's cabin. The next thing he saw however, was definentally not normal. Two dots, belonging to two people who certainly should not have been at Hogwarts, were in close proximity to Harry and his friends. The first dot was labeled Sirius Black, and the second was- Peter Pettigrew!  
  
Without pausing to think that tonight was a full moon (he needed to take his Wolfsbane Potion), or to even wipe the Map clean, Professor Lupin ran out of the classroom, and hurried towards the Whomping Willow.  
  
**  
  
"Padfoot!" Remus exclaimed. He hadn't seen Sirius in thirteen years, and spent the majority of them hating Sirius for betraying Lily and James, and himself for loving Sirius just the same.  
  
Sirius smiled, looking much like a jack-o-latern left out too long past Halloween. "Hullo, Moony." He opened his arms, and Remus embraced him. After seeing Peter's name on the Marauder's Map, he had no doubt in his mind that Sirius was innocent. Harry, Hermione, and Ron were all staring at Remus like they had never seen him before.  
  
"You were helping him?!" Hermione gasped. "I kept you're secret for you, I didn't tell anyone what you were!"  
  
"Hermione, please! Listen!" Remus pleaded, stepping towards her.  
  
She retreated from him. "I didn't tell anyone that you are a WERE- WOLF!"  
  
Remus' stopped dead in his tracks. An odd expression landed itself on his face. Ron made a small yelp of pain and fear, drawing Remus' attention to him. "Here, let me help you," he said kindly, starting towards Ron.  
  
"Don't touch me, were-wolf!" Ron gasped, eyes wide with fear.  
  
Again Remus stopped. Turning towards Hermione with a pained expression he asked, "How long have you known?"  
  
"Ever since I did that essay for Professor Snape."  
  
"You are one of the cleverest witches I have ever met, Hermione. Professor Snape would be proud, thats the whole reason he assigned that essay."  
  
"Snape? What's he got to do with anything?" Sirius asked hoarsely.  
  
"He's here, Pads. A professor at the school."  
  
Sirius snorted. "How's a slimy little git like that become a professor? Stupid little D-" he stopped mid-word at the warning look Remus had shot at him. "Anyway, I came here tonight to finish the crime I was imprisoned for..."  
  
"Ron, may I see your rat?" Remus asked, holding his hand out towards Scabber, whose tiny eyes were nearly popping out of his skull. He and Sirius had already explained to the three about them being Animagi. "I promise you, if it isn't Peter, then it won't hurt Scabbers at all." Ron handed over his pet. "Ready Padfoot?"  
  
Sirius nodded, and he and Remus pointed thier wands at Scabbers. A jet of light surrounded the animal, and soon in Scabber's stead, a small pudgy man was sitting on the floor, in between Sirius and Remus. "H-h-hullo Moony. Hullo P-Padfoot..." he squeaked.  
  
"Hullo Wormtail, and good-bye. You had to realize if Voldemort didn't kill you, we would." Remus mock smiled. He raised his wand, as did Sirius, and would have killed Peter right there if Harry hadn't intervened.  
  
"Harry, this scum is the reason you don't have any parents," Sirius snarled, looking at Peter with pure loathing..  
  
"Yes, but I don't think my dad would want you to end back up in prison, y'know?"  
  
Sirius looked gravely at Harry. "Are you sure?"  
  
Harry nodded and Remus smiled at him. "Well, I guess we should take him-" Remus motioned towards Snape, "-and head back up to the castle." The group headed out the door, and back to the castle.  
  
When they were just out of the Whomping Willow, Remus glanced at the sky, and let out a strangled gasp. He bent over double in the full moonlight as the transformation into his were-wolf form took place. Sirius pushed the children and Snape to saftey, and quickly transformed into the great black dog. In the choas, Peter slipped away.  
  
Howling, Remus started towards Ron, fangs bared, but he was knocked off course by Sirius. Then Sirius chased Remus into the forest, leading him farther and farther away from the children.  
  
**  
  
"Ah, well, that was fun, eh Moony?" Sirius smiled, pushing his matted hair out of his face. The full moon had faded, and Remus was back to his normal self, even though he was feeling a little sick.  
  
Remus returned the smile. An wild esctatic joy filled him everytime he looked at Sirius. He didn't feel guilty anymore. Sirius was innocent, and would soon be freed. "Just like old times..."  
  
Sirius looked Remus straight in the eye. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you that James' switched Secret Keepers. None of this was supposed to happen. I was sure Voldemort would come after me, but it was Peter who betrayed them...Can you forgive me?"  
  
Remus smiled again. "Of course."  
  
"I'd kiss you, but I'm a little smelly," Sirius laughed.  
  
"A little?" Remus asked incredulously. "You stink to high heavens Padfoot! How long has it been since you've bathed?"  
  
"A little over 6 months," Sirius grinned. He leaned over and kissed Remus.  
  
"Mmmm, you're just like wine, Sirius. You get better with age," Remus said, still amazed that he was reunited with his love. "Though, you'd probably taste a little better after you get cleaned up!" He laughed, and hugged Sirius.  
  
"Come on, let's get you back up to the castle, so that I can finally see your place," said Sirius, standing up.  
  
"Wait," Remus said, pulling Sirius on top of him. He kissed him fully, and Sirius' hands caressed his skin. Soon the two were oblivious to the world around them, and they made love just like the old times.  
  
**  
  
Remus snapped awake from his dream. -Of course I would dream something like that, because that is just what I need,- he thought sadly. He often wondered why he loved Sirius. Some great force seemed to amuse itself by seperating them, letting them reuinite, and then just seperating them again.  
  
Afraid to fall asleep in case he dreamt of Sirius again, Remus spent the rest of the night staring blankly at the ceiling.  
  
** 


	13. Chapter 13

** ~Chapter 13~  
  
"Tonks, dear," Molly said, handing the young woman a large tray covered with a bowl of soup, a jar of Tylenol ("Some of the Muggle treatments do work just as well as magic," Molly had once admitted.), and a goblet full of a smoking brown liquid. "Will you take this up to Remus? Tell him to take three teaspoons of the Tylenol." Tonks nodded reluctantly, and levitating the tray, started up the stairs to Remus' room.  
  
The moldy old door to Remus' room was closed, so Tonks, not wanting to wake him just yet, quietly turned the handle and opened the door a crack. The sound of a guitar being tuned slipped out, and curious, she opened the door all the way. Much to her suprise, Remus was sitting on his bed, shirtless, with his back to the door, staring out the window. A beautifully crafted acoustic guitar sat on his lap, and he strummed a chord, whose sound reverberated off the walls. Continuing the bar, he began to sing softly,  
  
"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance/For the break that will make it okay/There's always some reason to feel not good enough/And it's hard at the end of the day/I need some distraction or a beautiful release/Memories seep from my veins/Let me be empty, oh and weightless and maybe/I'll find some peace tonight  
  
In the arms of the Angel far away from here/From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear/You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie/You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here  
  
So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn/There's vultures and thieves at your back/The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies/That you make up for all that you lack/It don't make no difference, escaping one last time/It's easier to believe/In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness/That brings me to my knees  
  
In the arms of the Angel far away from here/From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear/You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie/In the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here  
  
You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here..."  
  
Remus let his voice fade along with the last chord. Tonks never knew that Remus could sing like that, and she felt a strange stirring in her heart, the same one she had felt when Remus agreed to go to dinner with her. She entered the room, but Remus took no notice, he bagan to play again, and this time it had a strange, exotic but mournful sound, totally different from the sad, sweet longing of the first song.  
  
"It was only one hour ago/It was all so different then/ Nothing yet has really sunk in/It looks just like it always did/ This flesh and bone/Is just the way we area tied in/ but there's no one home  
  
I grieve...for you...  
  
You leave...me..."  
  
There was a brief interlude, and in those few moments, Tonks realized that Remus was making this song up as he went, singing from his heart. In an odd way, she felt honored. Only one person had ever seen this side of Remus before...  
  
"So hard to move on/Still lovin' what gone/Said life carries on/ Carries on and on and on and on...  
  
The news that truly shocks/Is the empty, empty page/While the final rattle rocks/It's empty, empty cage/I can't handle this...  
  
I grieve...for you...  
  
You leave...me...  
  
Let it out and move on/Missin' whats gone/Said life carries on/ Said life carries on and on and on and on..."  
  
The tempo picked up, and before Tonks realized exactly what she was doing, she started tapping out a rhythm on the wall. Startled, Remus looked up, but before he could say anything, she sang, her alto resonating through the room.  
  
"Life carries on in the people you meet/In everyone thats out on the street/In all the dogs and cats/In the flies and the rats/In the rot and the rust/In the ashes and the dust/Life carries on and on and on and on/Life carries on and on and on/Life carries on and on and on and on..."  
  
Remus took over, smiling at Tonks, who blushed like a little school- girl,  
  
"Just the car that we ride in/The home we reside in/The face that we hid in/The way we are tied in/As life carries on and on and on and on/ Life carries on and on and on..."  
  
The tempo slowed to it's original pace, and Remus softly sang,  
  
"Did I dream this belief? / Or did I believe this dream? / How will I find relief? " Tonks joined in for the last strain, taking the counter- melody.  
  
"I/You grieve!..."  
  
The two sat in a semi-awkward silence after the last echo of thier voices slowly died. Remus finally broke the silence after finishing the goblet of Wolfsbane Potion. "Er...I'm sorry Tonks, and thank you."  
  
"Apology accepted," Tonks said, admiring the smoking pheonix emblem on the guitar. "And what are you thanking me for?"  
  
"For singing with me. Only one other person ever sang like that with me...you saved me tonight..."  
  
Tonks blushed, and though her nails were perfectly manicured (whenever they got messed up, she just changed them the way she changed her hair), she suddenly became very interested in picking the dirt out from underneath them. "Y-you...you love him...don't you?" she asked. Why was she acting like this, like a fourteen-year old school-girl? And what the hell was with this fluttering in her heart?  
  
It took Remus a second to realize who she was talking about. He sighed heavily, "Yes. I do love him..." Then he smiled at her. "But like you said, life carries on. Hey! Why are you crying?" he exclaimed, puzzled by Tonks' sudden and silent tears.  
  
"I always thought there was something between you two," she sniffled. "But there was always some hope..." she blew her nose on the handkerchief Remus had handed her. "But now there's none, y-y-you and..." she stopped to let out a sob. Remus put his arm around her and patted her comfortingly.  
  
"Me and who? What is it, Tonks?" he asked, a little amazed about how easily the role of comforter was pushed onto him.  
  
Tonks looked up at him, tears clinging to her thick eyelashes, and running in rivulets down her cheeks. "That y-y-you and I...Oh Remus! I love you!" She half-laughed, half-cried. That was it! It was so clear to her now, the annoying fluttering, the nervousness, the stupid little school- girl act. She loved him! "But I know I can never replace Sirius..." she said seriously, looking up at Remus, but ever so tentavely, she kissed him, and much to her delight, he didn't pull away...  
  
** 


	14. Chapter 14

Thanks for waiting guyz! Here's chappy fourteen for ya! Thanks for waiting!  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue  
  
Chapter 14  
  
Remus sat on the edge of his bed, staring at a picture of Sirius. He wondered what Sirius would think if he were still here. Of course if Sirius was still here, Remus would never been in this predicament in the first place. He sighed. It wasn't as that he didn't have feelings for Tonks, he just wasn't sure if they were genuine. She reminded him of her cousin so much, that he didn't know if it was her that he was falling for or the memory of Sirius. The last thing he wanted to do was use the sweet girl as a band-aid, using her to help close the gaping wound that was torn into him as Sirius fell backwards through the veil.  
  
But what if he did fall in love with Tonks? He was sure that she could never take Sirius' place in his heart, nobody could. Even if they got married and had children together, it would be Sirius that his soul longed to be with, it would be Sirius whose face would occupy his dreams. And Tonks deserved better than that. But what if she was the only way that Remus would ever be happy again? Was that, his sanity and happiness, worth sacrificing? For the millionth time in three months he wished that Sirius was still ther beside him.  
  
'Remus?' He jumped at hearing his name, but relaxed when he saw Tonks standing in the doorway, chewing nervously at her bottom lip. 'Are you ready to go?'  
  
Remus couldn't help but stare at her. The straight onyx hair, the dark hematite eyes, the pink lips that always seemed to be drawn up into a smirk, like the owner knew something that you didn't, and that simple fact amused the hell out of them; she looked like a female version of Sirius.  
  
Misinterpreting the look on Remus face, Tonks blushed, and stuttered, "We can take a rain check, if you like…'  
  
Remus stood, and took her by the arm. 'No, let's go, I'm ready.'  
  
The waning cresent moon rose into the sky as Remus walked Tonks back to Grimmauld Place. The evening had been everything she hoped for, and by the end of it, Tonks was more in love with Remus than before, if it was possible. She even felt brave enough to wrap her arm around his slender, almost feminine waist, and to her pleasure, he placed a warm arm around her shoulder.  
  
'Thank you, Tonks. Tonight has been wonderful. We should do this again sometime,' he smiled, looking down into her pretty face.  
  
'You're welcome,' the girl smiled. Then she said something odd. 'You know, Remus, you should smile more often.'  
  
'I thought I just did,' said Remus, blinking. 'You know, when I said "We should do this more often" and smiled.'  
  
'No, silly. Really smiled.'  
  
'I'm not sure what you mean…'  
  
Tonks rolled her eyes, wondering what gene made the human male so stupid. 'Like this,' she said, before braking into a giant grin that raised her forehead two inches off her face.  
  
Remus doubled over in laughter. 'Y-You look like a demented walrus,' he guffawed, clutching his sides. With a response like that, Tonks smiled again, outdoing her previous effort, her forehead lifting a whopping five inches. Soon the two were nearly dying with laughter, tears rolling down their cheeks. When finally they were able to stop the laughter, Remus real smiled at Tonks, amber eyes glinting with a life she had only seen once before, when Sirius was alive.  
  
'Again, Tonks, I must thank you.' Remus wiped the tears from his eyes. Tonks smiled at him, not the goofy smile of minutes before, but an affectionate smile.   
  
'You're very much welcome, again.' She snuggled close to Remus, taking in the chocolatey scent that was he. The two walked in a companionable silence, enjoying the company, and much to Tonks' disappointment, they quickly reached Grimmauld Place. Remus made to open the door, but Tonks stopped him.  
  
'What, no goodnight kiss?' she teased, not expecting one at all.  
  
Well, you know what they say about expecting the unexpected…  
  
Okie, here's chapter 14, hope ya liked it! Sorry it took me so long to post, but I've been unable to get online, and I also gave my only opy to my best friend so she'd have something to remember me by in Texas!  
  
Much love, Moony! -huggles-  
  
-Padfoot-  
  
-TWINCEST IS THE BEST!!! m/ - 


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: Pleeease don't sue me, I haven't had enough coffee…  
  
Chapter Fifteen  
  
The sound of the wind flowing through the weeping willows made Remus open his eyes. He found Sirius sitting next to him, playing with a soft honey lock of hair. 'Sirius…' he smiled happily. 'You came to visit me!'  
  
'I told you I'd always be with you, little Remus,' smiled the dark haired man. He softly kissed the werewolf's forehead, stroking his soft cheek. 'It's just easier to listen to your heart when you're asleep.'  
  
The happy look on Remus' fair face fled. 'So this is just a dream? A memory?'  
  
"No, stupid!' Sirius laughed. 'Did we ever have this conversation? As I've said before, it's easier to listen to ones heart when one is asleep.'   
  
'Oh…Then I'll just have to stay asleep for the rest of my life.  
  
'Don't be stupid, Remus. You can't do that.' At the forlorn look on his lover's face, Sirius laughed. 'But don't fret. Did you know that people spend almost two thirds of their life sleeping?'  
  
Remus leaned up to kiss Sirius. 'Well, if I can't see you for all of my life, I guess two-thirds of it will be just fine.' He snuggled against Sirius' chest, feeling the soft silk of his robe rub against his cheek. 'Hey! If you're in my heart, does that make you my conscious?'  
  
Sirius laughed and ruffled Remus' hair affectionately. 'Are you always this stupid when you sleep? But, I guess you could kinda say that. Think of me as a place to get advice.'  
  
Looking Sirius straight in his hematite eyes, he said, voice trembling slightly, 'Tell me what you think about Tonks and I?'  
  
Sirius stared at Remus, not in disbelief, but in a way of contemplation. 'I want you to be happy,' he began slowly, 'and I guess if my cousin does that for you, and you really love her, then I'm fine with it.' He paused. 'Do you love her?'  
  
'I don't know…' the werewolf answered truthfully, his adorable bottom lip quivering slightly. 'I think I have feelings for her, but that's just it. I think. I don't know for sure.' He paused. 'I-I think I'm afraid to love again. Look at what happened to all the people I have loved in the past. First my parents, then Lily and James, then you…'  
  
'Stop it, Remus Jove Lupin,' Sirius growled, causing Remus to blink in shock. 'You never caused anything but joy in my life!' Sirius eyes glinted fiercely. 'You are not there reason for my fate! Don't ever let me catch you speaking like that again!'  
  
Remus blinked, taken aback at the tone of his mate's voice. 'I-I'm sorry, Padfoot. I didn't mean any harm. I…I just don't know.'  
  
Sirius smiled gently down at Remus' shocked face. 'And I'm sorry that I snapped at you. You just need to do what your heart tells you.'  
  
'I thought you were my heart,' said Remus slyly.  
  
Sirius laughed and tapped the tip of the werewolf's nose. 'No, stupid. I'm the little crazy man who lives in your heart.'  
  
'Please, Padfoot,' pleaded Remus. 'I need your help on this!'  
  
Sirius shook his head, and stood up, laying Remus on the soft grass. 'Forgive me love, but you need to make this decision on your own.' With that he faded into the sunset, leaving Remus alone with his thoughts.  
  
The next morning, Remus found Tonks sitting in the kitchen, stirring half-heartedly at her coffee. She jumped when she heard Remus' soft voice.  
  
'Tonks, let's head down to that little café down the street. W-We…we need to talk.'  
  
There. It's done. Hope you all liked it, and had as much fun reading it as I did writing it! Just so there's no confusion, I ended it like this so that you yourself could make your own decision on whether or not Remus and Tonks get together. And in case you want my opinion, they don't. Because Remus is Sirius' and Tonks deserves someone who will love her with their whole heart. But that's just me!!  
  
Again, thanks guyz for being such a great audience! -hugs and smooches-  
  
-Padfoot-  
  
-TWINCEST IS BEST!! m/ - 


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